How Do I Regain Control Of My Life, To Prevent Me From Ending It? ?
I’m a 15 year old who’s life had completely dissipated into nothing. My GPA has been about a 3.5 and it was 4.0 at a time, now it’s lower than 1.0. I feel like a stranger and as if I don’t belong anywhere. My memory has gotten worse, no drugs btw or drinking though I tried it once, and I’ve attempted suicide three times. My mom, critical, has tried to medicate me. Last year before I tried to kill myself I maintained my grades at an average level, and after meds, my attendance is way down. I’ve been sleeping more and my sleeping patterns have become irregular and my will to do anything is nothing. Just sitting up in bed is hard work. My weight is very low for being my age and height. I’m 111-124 and 5′6″. I’m losing weight slowly and my eating patterns are also in disarray. I’ve cut myself about three times and I’ve been going through tons of changes. I hate that I have to do what people tell me and I’d rather be alone.
P.S. I have a therapist and physicologist which have been working on my “case” since June and improvement lacks. I always think about dying but neither my mom, or the two above, know. I refuse to go back to the hospital! I’m so lonely too.
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I’m so so sorry you have to go through all this. I think you should tell your therapist everything you’ve written here, because it sounds like you have clinical depression. This is not your fault; it’s caused by a lack of chemicals in the brain, and is usually genetic. It can be treated with medication and if talk therapy isn’t enough-and it doesn’t sound like it is. What medication were you on before/are you on now? I’m not sure if it was an antidepressant, but if it was, there are tons of those, and you might have to try a lot before you find one that works with your body chemistry. If it doesn’t make you feel any better or makes you feel worse, than you should try another one, because they do work over three-fourths of the time. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but there are people who care about you even if it seems like they don’t right now. If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to message me.
First, you aren’t in this alone. It feels like it, but many people, including myself have and/or are dealing with this stuff. What you may need is something constant in your life to help things start to get better. There is so much change and that can absolutely be overwhelming. Remember that no matter how dark your life is seeming now, it can always turn around. Surround yourself with people who care about you. Maybe get new friends or build stronger friendships with the people in your life now.
Take time to think about the good in your life and think about dreams you have. I suggest writing them down as a reference for when you have hard moments like these.
As for the grades, ask your teachers if you can get some extra help, ask another student for help or tutoring, etc.
And psychologists, therapists, parents, and whoever else can only do so much for you. I’ve been learning this myself recently that you have to choose to want to get better. If you don’t care about it anymore, then things won’t be getting any better any time soon.
Healing is absolutely possible. I am in the process of healing from a very dark “season” in my life. The healing doesn’t happen over night, but it does happen.
If you ever need or want to talk with me some more about this, feel completely free to email or message me.
You don’t have to go through this alone. I’ve tried to before and it has failed.
“Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony.” -Psalm 6:2
I’m sorry that your going through all this. sounds like you need a friend